Les Mis: Shortened and Messed Up
by iLikeMuffins100
Summary: Don't want to go to London to see Les Mis, three hours to long, don't feel like renting the TAC either? Look no further! Even if this is a bit messed up...hehe. Rated T because it's Les Mis...


Disclaimer: I don't own Les Miz (the Novel Belongs to Victor Hugo and the musical to Buoblil and Schonberg) I did not own Legally Blonde the Musical or Jerkyll and Hyde. Or the "glare-o-death", that belongs to Enjy. But Random Villager 2 is mine.

Les Mis: Shortened and Messed Up.

Toulon:

Convicts: We're prisoners.

Guards: Shut Up

Valjean: Wow. Nineteen years for a frickin' loaf of bread

Javert: 24601, get the hell outta here.

Valjean: I have name you know, it Jean Val-

Javert: And I'm Jaaaaaavert!

Some village that I think is called Digne

Valjean: Can I stay here?

Bishop: Sure man!

Valjean: Oh! Pretty shiny candle sticks! *steals*

Police Guy: Did this convict steal from you?

Bishop: Heavens no!

Police Guy: Whatev

Bishop: I've bought your soul for God.

Valjean: Um…yay? Okay, I guess I've got change my name like 12 times now.

Mountriel-sur-mer:

Poor People: Our lives suck

Fantine: My life sucks, but at least I have a job, so ha!

Factory Girl 5: Not anymore! You have an illegitimate child! You're a slut!

Fantine: Look whose talking!

FG5: Ah-oh! Three words: Spring Break, Cabo!

Fantine: Guess I gotta go sell my hair and become a whore *goes offstage and then comes back with shorn hair and less clothes*

Bamatabois: Haha, you're ugly! Can I buy you?

Fantine: Ew…no! Don't you play Grantaire later in the show?

Bamatabois: *throws absinthe bottle offstage* no.

(they fight)

Javert: Tell me quickly whats the story-

Bamatabois: She did it!

Fantine: But I can't get arrested, I've got a kid.

Javert: Yeah, Yeah, whatever.

(The mayor strolls by)

Mayor: Since I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to help this whore and her dying child!

Javert: You're weird. You remind me of this convict, 24601, but we've caught him, after ten years on the run.

Mayor: It's only been nine.

Javert: Huh?

Mayor: never mind…Who am !?

Random Villiager 2: Looks like the mayors having another one of this "Jerkyll/Hyde" moments.

Mayor (or shall we say "Valjean"?): I'm Jean Valjean! 2-4-6-0-1! *insert high note here*

Hospital

Fantine: I'm dying. *cough*

Valjean: I'll save your Cosette!

Fantine: *dies*

Javert: I've got you now 24601!

Valjean: Sorry dude, I've got some brat to save. *throws chair at Javert…hey! That rhymes!*

The Inn

Cosette: There is a castle on a cloud.

Authoress' brothers: Thats physically impossible! Shut up you twit!

Mme Thenardiar: Go fetch some water kid.

Cosette: *wibble*

Thenardiar: Get drunk! Whee! I'm making money!

Drunken Lodgers: HaHa! We're drunk! We love you!

Mme Thenardiar: He's an asshole though.

Valjean: I've come to adopt Cosette, I have money and a will.

Thenardiar: Sold!

Paris: Ten Years Later

Poor people: Our lives still suck.

Enjolras and Marius: We're friends now, even though in the book we hate each other.

Courfeyrac: Hello? What about me, your roommate? Hello? Remember me Marius?!

Eponine: Hey Mari! Watcha doin'?

Marius: I'm gonna go stalk that pretty girl over there. Could you get her address for me?

Eponine:*sulks*

Javert: I think that old guy over there with the girl being stalker by that dolt of a lawyer is Valjean. Hmp. *suddenly becomes night* Oh look! Stars! Pretty!

Cafe Musian

Enjolras: let's rise up for the poor.

Combeferre: My part is too small

Authoress: I know sweetie! It's so sad! *hugs him*

Combeferre: Don't touch me.

Bahorel: At least you got a part!

Marius: *enters*

Enjolras: You're late.

Joly: *sneezes* whab's up? *sneezes again*

Marius:…pretty girl…

Grantaire: I'm agog! I'm aghast!

Enjolras: Who cares about pretty girls and love! I prefer death!

Garvoche: Lamarque is death!…I killed him.

Enjolras: Yes! Finally, some death! Let's build a barricade! *sings* DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

Everyone one else: No.

Enjolras*glare-o-death*

Cosette's Garden

Cosette: Yay! I have a stalker!

Marius: I love you!

Cosette: I love you too! BTW, whats your name?

Marius: Marius Pontmercy!

Cosette: I'm Cosette!

Eponine: *sulks*

Thenardair: Lets steal from the man who stole Cosette

Montparnesse; Um…Whats Eponine doing here?…Not that I'm complaining *flashes his uber hot flirtatious dandy smile*

Thenardair: Get away you little hussy!

Eponine: *screams*

Patron-Minette: *scurries off*

Marius: Eponine, you've saved the day! I still love Cosette though

Eponine: *sulks*

Valjean: Cosette, I heard a scream

Cosette: Oh yeah…there were some prevs here a minute ago.

Valjean: Must be Javert!

Cosette: Who?

Valjean: Uh…nothing, come! We must flee to England! ('cuz Les Mis is still playing there, hehe… yeah I know that wasn't funny…)

Some Random Spot…

Valjean: One day more!

Cosette and Marius: I love you!

Eponine: *sulk*

Enjolras: Let me lead you to your deaths in my sexy non-canon vest!

Javert: I've gone from stalking middle aged convicts to stalking hot young schoolboys!

Thenardiars: Hehe! We're gonna steal from those hot schoolboys!

All: One Day More!

End of Act 1

Rue Plumet

Eponine: *dressed as a boy* Monsieur, I've a letter for your daughter.

Valjean: Merci

Eponine: *sulk*

Valjean: Are you just gonna stand there and sulk all day or are you gonna leave?

Eponine: *sulks while leaving*

Valjean: *reads*

The Streets

Eponine: I love him, but everyday I'm learning-

Random Villager 2: Oh shut up already! Its 2AM!

Eponine: *sulks*

The Barricades

Eponine: *sulkingly climbs the barricade and sulkingly gets shot*

Marius: hey watcha doin' 'Ponine, did you give Cosette my letter?

Eponine: Um…I'm kinda dying here

Marius: Oh Look! Rain! *holds Eponine*

Eponine: And rain, will make the flowers…*die*

Marius: Aw man! She didn't get to finish the song!

Garvoche: *To Enjy* See the old-looking guy over there?

Enjolras: Yeah.

Garvoche: He's not a student revolutionary, he's a 52-year-old spy with OCD.

Javert: Oh, crap.

Garvoche: Whoop-Whoop! Score one for the little people!

Enjolras: What should we with him?

Grantaire: Can I get into his pants?

Enjolras: No.

Grantaire: can I get into that dead girl Eponine's pants?

Enjolras: No.

Grantaire: Can I get into your pants?

Enjolras: NO!

Valjean: *suddenly appears* I'll take care of him. *takes Javert away* Here you go, you're free.

Javert: Why?

Valjean: 'Cause I'm Saint Valjean now…or is it Saint Fauchelevet now? I can't keep all my names straight…

Javert: Are you sure? 'cause really, I'm okay with it

Valjean" You're free…FREE, now go!

Javert: Fine!

Later in The Café

Fueilly: Lets Drink to Poland!

Courfeyrac: To Grisettes!

Grantiare: We're all gonna die and nobody will care.

Enjolras: *glare-o-death at R*

Eveyone: *drunk*

Marius: I miss Cosette! *sulks* I've become suicidal!

A Little Bit later

Valjean: dear God, please save that dolt boy of a lawyer Marius who's trying to steal my little girl away from me. But its okay if you let Combeferre, a nice, respectable, intelligent, extremely gorgeous, young boy die. Along with all the other awesome barricade boys. (The bald one who can't spell his name had it coming) Thank-you.

Even Later-er

Enjolras: okay men, lets fight-*shot*

Grantaire: Not my Apollo! *holds Enjy in his arms…aww*

Enjolras: I never told you this…I love you-WAIT! HOLD UP! THIS NEVER HAPPENED! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Authoress: Come on Enjy, everyone would like to see this!

Enjolras: Nobody would! You're sick and twisted little teenage girl!

Authoress: Oh, fine, Grantiare, let go of him.

Grantiare: *sulks*

Enjolras: Oh, and when Thenardair comes around, don't let him touch my super sexy vest. *dies*

Enjy-Fangirls; No!

Everyone else but Marius and Valjean: *dies*

Random Villager 2: Haha, idiots.

Thenardair: hehehe! I'm gonna steal stuff! *realizes that these are dead students and they own squat, just like the authoress* Oh well…I quess I'll have to settle with this cheap ring then *steals a ring from a seemingly dead Marius

Valjean: *carries a seemingly dead Marius*

The Sewers

Valjean: *carries Marius through the sewers*

Javert: Ha! I've got you 24601!

Valjean: That's what you said the last time and I still got away.

Javert: Well, not this time!

Valjean: Whatever, you're weird…you really need a hobby, you should try knitting…or get a cat, you seem like a cat person, you can name it Snookums.

Javert:*confused and angry*

At A Bridge over the Seine

Javert: Who is this man, what sort of devil is he?

Valjean:*from off-stage* I prefer the term "Saint"

Javert: ugh, my pretty stars are black and cold, guess I gotta die now, oh well *jumps into the Seine*

Javvie Fangirls: NO!

Some place…

Marius: My friends are dead and gone!

(Meanwhile, up in Heaven)

Enjy Angel: Haha! He thought we were his friends!

Grantaire Angel: What a Dolt!

Fueilly Angel: He said he didn't like Poland…*sniff-sniff, tears*

Joly Angel: He never washed his hands.

Lesgle Angel: *rubbing his bald head* He had too much hair

Jehan Angel: He premed his hair

Combeferre Angel: Stupid little Bonapartist

Courfeyrac Angel: I always thought he was gay.

Bahorel: And I still don't have part.

(Back on Earth)

Cosette: I love you so forget all about your friends.

Marius: Okay, lets get married

The Wedding (awwww)

*Wedding Bells Chime*

Marius and Cosette: *married*

Thenardair: *dressed very weirdly* Oh! Pretty silver *steals*

Thenardairs: Hehehe, we're so evil!

Thenardair: Hey pretty boy, your father in law is a murderer, he stole this cheap, ugly, ring

Marius: That's my ring

Thenardair: Oh shit.

Marius: *punches Thenardair*

Later-ish

Valjean: *dying* ah! A ghost!

Fantine: Come with me!

Cosette: Don't die Papa!

Marius: Sorry I was such an ass to you

Valjean: It's okay Marius, I never expected much from you.

Fantine and Eponine: *with way too much vibrato* We'll lead to salvation!

Valjean: I almost forgot! By the way Cosette, you're adopted! Here, its all in this letter. *dies*

All the Other dead people besides Javvie and the Bishop: Tomorrow Comes!

End of Act 2

Victor Hugo: Turning in his grave.

Bahorel: And I still don't have a part.

The End.

Notes : So the whole 'spring break Cabo' thing is from Legally Blonde the Musical, and a bunch of the jokes in here (like the castle on a cloud one) I stole from my brother, who I have driven insane with all my mizziness, so I have to give them some credit too.

My Frist fic! So please review but remember, I'm as delicate as Jehan!


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